Because the current economic climate has forced me to cut back on expenses, I’ve decided to lay off my muse. And because inspiration is hard to come by for those not trained in its detection, I’ve turned to a copy of a 1989 Penguin publication called Future Stuff, which I purchased for a quarter at my local library, for some ideas.
Contained between this book’s covers are more than 250 then would-be inventions promised for wide consumer release by the year 2000. Some came to be; some…not so came to be.
What follows is the first piece inspired by these wonderful devices. It is called…
The More Intelligent Toilet
Got myself a new smart toilet.
I’ve got to say, the thing is swell.
It gives me lots of stuff to do
While dropping Timmies down the well.
The app selection’s vast and cheap
And fun to browse while laying turds.
Update Facebook or Instagram
Or play a round of Angry Birds.
It plays soft music while I go,
So when I’m pooping, it’s discreet.
And if my pee goes everywhere,
It knows to self-dry off the seat.
It spurts out fragrance now and then —
Jasmine, Nag Champa, or Old Spice —
And if I drop a monster deuce,
It’s pre-programmed to flush twice.
Glossy and slick and all in white,
It’s mankind’s most designer throne.
Gizmodo called it a must-have
Toy that should be in every home.
So what’s another mortgage when
Compared to new tech such as this?
I’ll sign the contract for 4G
And Skype my grandma while I piss.
Because no time’s not the right time
For sharing info with your friends.
Why waste time just sitting there when
It could be coming out both ends?