Future Stuff #4

Inspiration is hard to come by for those not trained in its detection. So to help with some ideas, I’ve turned to a copy of a 1989 Penguin publication called Future Stuff, purchased for a quarter at my local library.

Contained between this book’s covers are more than 250 then would-be inventions promised for wide consumer release by the year 2000. Some came to be; some … not so came to be.

What follows is the fourth piece inspired by these wonderful devices. It is called …

Microwave Clothes Dryer

Drying your clothes was once a pain;
Punishment to endure.
Through the power of microwaves,
You’ll be troubled no more.
What once would have taken you hours
Now goes by in a song.
Before you can say, “Shit, that’s fast”
You’re folding grandma’s thongs.
Those panties will be dry as bones
And softer than peach fuzz.
You’ll go from dreading every load
To washing just because.
Don’t you worry about those waves.
They’re as harmless as the sea’s.
Our studies show only a few
Will sink into the seams
And those that do will not result
In what you can’t repair.
Perhaps a toenail lost … or two,
Or random tufts of hair.
Minor leakage is expected;
Some dripping from the ears.
Just one in six is affected;
Five of you shouldn’t fear.
Who would fret a little bleeding
From larger nasal pores?
Glucose isn’t in short supply;
You’re always making more.
And should and extra toe or three
Sprout somewhere on your form,
It’d be nothing to get removed
Now lasers are the norm.
Viscous goop oozing from your skin
Will, in time, oxidize.
Think of how much you’ll perceive
With those new compound eyes.
So don’t sweat all the side effects
Listed there on the box.
You’ll be thankful for extra hands
When folding stacks of socks.

For more Future Stuff, click here, here or here. Don’t click here. Trust me. Don’t do it.


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