Haiku of Horror #52

HAIKU OF HORROR now have their own site. If you, like no one else on earth, find tiny little awful poems terrifying, be sure to check it out. 

As much as I like Keanu, I have trouble seeing Keanu as anything but Ted Theodore Logan. Even when he’s chain-smoking cigarettes while shoving cross-shaped guns into the ugly mugs of hell spawn, I’m just like, “Oh, Ted. Don’t you know befriending Satan could help sell Wyld Stallyns’ image?”

Here’s a poem.

constantine-poster

Flame kisses paper
He slowly inhales heat, smoke
Flicks away ashes

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Haiku of Horror #51

HAIKU OF HORROR now have their own site. If you, like no one else on earth, find tiny little awful poems terrifying, be sure to check it out. 

As a teen, I was a big fan of the ’96 adaptation of The Island of Dr. Moreau. I owned it on VHS, back before those were things people purchased as novelties, and watched it on an embarrassingly regular basis. And to think, I used to be a real cinema snoot. Turns out, I was just an idiot.

Here’s a poem.

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Dreams are feral beasts
Caged and tamed, they grow subdued
Becoming like men

Haiku of Horror #50

Never don’t not forget that HAIKU OF HORROR now have their own site. If you, like no one else on earth, find tiny little awful poems terrifying, be sure to check it out. 

The world really does need more Lovecraft adaptations. Good ones, not shitty ones. I feel like the world has plenty of those, mostly directed by people who aren’t Stuart Gordon.

This isn’t one of them. Again, shitty ones, I mean. Yuzna’s segment is insane.

Here’s a poem.

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Words can spur madness
Each word inked a drop of blood
Just like the Bible

Future Stuff #4

Inspiration is hard to come by for those not trained in its detection. So to help with some ideas, I’ve turned to a copy of a 1989 Penguin publication called Future Stuff, purchased for a quarter at my local library.

Contained between this book’s covers are more than 250 then would-be inventions promised for wide consumer release by the year 2000. Some came to be; some … not so came to be.

What follows is the fourth piece inspired by these wonderful devices. It is called …

Microwave Clothes Dryer

Drying your clothes was once a pain;
Punishment to endure.
Through the power of microwaves,
You’ll be troubled no more.
What once would have taken you hours
Now goes by in a song.
Before you can say, “Shit, that’s fast”
You’re folding grandma’s thongs.
Those panties will be dry as bones
And softer than peach fuzz.
You’ll go from dreading every load
To washing just because.
Don’t you worry about those waves.
They’re as harmless as the sea’s.
Our studies show only a few
Will sink into the seams
And those that do will not result
In what you can’t repair.
Perhaps a toenail lost … or two,
Or random tufts of hair.
Minor leakage is expected;
Some dripping from the ears.
Just one in six is affected;
Five of you shouldn’t fear.
Who would fret a little bleeding
From larger nasal pores?
Glucose isn’t in short supply;
You’re always making more.
And should and extra toe or three
Sprout somewhere on your form,
It’d be nothing to get removed
Now lasers are the norm.
Viscous goop oozing from your skin
Will, in time, oxidize.
Think of how much you’ll perceive
With those new compound eyes.
So don’t sweat all the side effects
Listed there on the box.
You’ll be thankful for extra hands
When folding stacks of socks.

For more Future Stuff, click here, here or here. Don’t click here. Trust me. Don’t do it.

Haiku of Horror #49

Never don’t not forget that HAIKU OF HORROR now have their own site. If you, like no one else on earth, find tiny little awful poems terrifying, be sure to check it out.

Nothing like a Fulci zombie movie. Well, except for another Fulci zombie movie. But there’s nothing like the both of them put together. It’s like an aardvark smashed together with a platypus.

Here’s a poem.

city_living_dead_poster

Hell’s gates have opened
Dead roam among the living
Most haven’t noticed

Haiku of Horror #48

Never don’t not forget that HAIKU OF HORROR now have their own site. If you, like no one on earth, find tiny little awful poems terrifying, be sure to check it out.

I was a terrible Boy Scout. Didn’t like camping; couldn’t tie a knot; wasn’t particularly fond of nature’s various monstrosities; didn’t enjoy being repeatedly bullied by my fellow scouts. In other words, this movie was practically biographical. Right down to the murders. Don’t tell my scoutmaster.

Here’s a poem.

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Bark is but a mask
Disguising soft flesh beneath.
Stripped, the tree will bleed.

Haiku of Horror #47

Don’t forget, HAIKU OF HORROR now have their own site. If you find tiny little terrible poems terrifying, check it out.

Like a litter of undead puppies struggling to escape a pit of marshmallow cream, Let Us Prey is ugly and disgusting in a lovable way. I highly recommend it.

Here’s a poem.

let-us-prey-poster

Sins are like maggots
Feasting in our carcasses.
In time, we’re eaten.