It Has Begun

For centuries, prophets have foretold of a time when the Ancient Grains would awaken from their slumber to spread their wicked influence across our breakfast cereals.

That day has arrived.



Haiku of Horror #52

HAIKU OF HORROR now have their own site. If you, like no one else on earth, find tiny little awful poems terrifying, be sure to check it out. 

As much as I like Keanu, I have trouble seeing Keanu as anything but Ted Theodore Logan. Even when he’s chain-smoking cigarettes while shoving cross-shaped guns into the ugly mugs of hell spawn, I’m just like, “Oh, Ted. Don’t you know befriending Satan could help sell Wyld Stallyns’ image?”

Here’s a poem.


Flame kisses paper
He slowly inhales heat, smoke
Flicks away ashes

Exciting news (at least for me)

First, I want to thank every one who has taken time to read even a single sentence of my writing. As something like 96.2% of the writers on the planet will echo, I do it for fun. Having great feedback like yours is real boost to the self-esteem. I get a little charge from each notification of a new follower, like or comment. I mean that.

Since October, most of my posts have been additions to a series of horror-themed haiku creatively titled “Haiku of Horror.” I started writing them at the pithy suggestion of one of my friends, who joked it could be something to accompany my daily Facebook posts about horror movies I was watching. It started as a gag, but I enjoyed the challenge of writing short form poetry, which is not my strong suit, inspired by the horror movies I love.

So, even with October come and gone, I continued writing the poems. Hopefully, you folks have enjoyed them. They seem to be the most popular among my posts. Not that I’ve given them much competition lately.

All of that preamble is basically just to let you folks know I’ve started a blog specifically for Haiku of Horror. You can find it by clicking here or by heading up to your address bar and typing There you’ll find all of the haiku I’ve previously posted here, many of which have brand-spanking new introductions (I’m touting that as a feature) as well as all upcoming haiku, which I plan to continue writing until the Internet explodes or I drop dead. Whichever. I’m hoping having a dedicated site will help new people find it, as well as make people on Twitter and other social media sites a little less apprehensive about clicking on a link that has the poster’s name in the address. You know how some folks are. Maybe you’re one of them.

I’d love it if each and every one of you who’s enjoyed reading these silly little poems would head over to the new site and subscribe. Of course, I’ll continue posting stuff here, too (including the next few Haiku of Horror, just to help with the transition), but it will be more rambling dumb stuff like this. Nothing you’d actually want to read.

The site may change slightly over the coming weeks, although I’m happy with the overall design. I’m open to suggestions, of course, of both changes to the site or movies I should watch and write haiku about.

Now, back to the beginning. From the bottom of my heart, I want to thank all of you for reading the nonsense I write. You make this whole thing fun.


Literally the biggest problem in the world

You know what makes me literally sick? The overuse of the word literally.

That’s right, every time I hear that particular adjective, which is literally a billion times a time, I catch cold, contract the measles or come down with an acute case of leprosy.

I’m literally writing this from my death bed. Sorry if it’s not very funny. I’m having trouble concentrating over the sound of my wife’s weeping. She’s literally bawling her eyes out. The left one just rolled under the bed. Now the cat’s got it.

Great, now that one-eyed Mandy is chasing the cat, I can get back to literally fuming about the word literally. Let me just wipe the steam off my screen … there.

OK. Anyone who has even the tiniest iota of linguistic nerdiness inside him or her will know that language is always changing. Over the centuries, the meanings of words have morphed and gotten mashed together and now look totally different than their ancient ancestors. Words aren’t meant to be set in stone. That’s why the article you’re reading right now isn’t just a bunch of pictures of hairy guys throwing sticks at Snuffleluffleguses. Or is it Snufflelufflegi?

For example, Webster’s Dictionary just tweeted that the definition of the word “polling” has just been changed to literally mean, “to hit someone upside the head with a poll.” Yikes. This is going to make this year’s election coverage very confusing.

Nah, I’m literally pulling your leg. Better hope you’ve got that belt on tight.

But I have my limits to the whole shifting meanings thing. For example, I literally can’t stand the word literally anymore. It just keeps falling down. People literally use literally all the time, for everything. It’s the go-to word to emphasize a point. You want people to know you had trouble waking today, you tell them you literally couldn’t wake up today.

Of course, if that were true, I suppose you wouldn’t be telling them that, since you’d still be sleeping. Unless you were sleep talking, of course. But that’s a whole other … OK, sorry. Bad example. Let’s move on.

Truth be told, I’m just being a smarty. I know when people say, “literally,” they don’t literally mean “literally.” They mean “figuratively,” which is literally the exact opposite of “literally.”

Which, as I keep explaining to the tiny civilization of intellectual amoebas living on the end of my fingernails, is what’s literally driving me crazy.

Look, I’m aware this makes me sound like an old fuddy duddy (even more so than using the term “fuddy duddy”) rambling on about how, back in my day words meant what words meant, and not the exact opposite of what they meant. They have a bunch of negative terms for folks like me … “grammar nazi,” the “guardian of language” … “old.” You’re meant to use all of these terms in the same way you mention other outdated practices or viewpoints or ideas, like “objective media” or “today’s best country music.”

I’ll try to adjust my way of thinking. Get with the times, so to speak. But like a tortoise drowning in quick-drying cement, some mindsets literally die hard.